Ebb and flow...

Last night I got some bad news. It's not like I didn't see it coming, but expecting it and being faced with the reality are very different things. My dad has felt like my mom's condition has been declining with each day. So after a discussion with the doctor, my mom and dad decided to decline any further treatment of the cancer, and they have arranged for hospice care to come into the home. Aggressive treatment now turns to making Mom comfortable in her final days.

All throughout my mom's battle with cancer, I have tried to remain optimistic and believe for healing. However, after finding out a couple weeks ago that the cancer foraged into her brain....well, I guess I woke up to the frightening realization that she very well could be dying. The first time I said that out loud led to a stream of bitter tears. Even now as I write, I find it hard to put words to my feelings. I want to write because it helps with processing, but either I am a poor writer or the English language has a huge void in accurately expressing the heart! I mean, how can I encompass the world of emotions that I feel right now!? It's a cycling of emotions right now....sadness, anger, peace, shock....each day includes some or all of those.

I guess I'm writing this post out of a current state of sadness. Later I will write about the peace I have. Gabe and I have felt much peace lately in reading a book that my mom got us for Christmas...it's about heaven.