Ebb and flow...

Last night I got some bad news. It's not like I didn't see it coming, but expecting it and being faced with the reality are very different things. My dad has felt like my mom's condition has been declining with each day. So after a discussion with the doctor, my mom and dad decided to decline any further treatment of the cancer, and they have arranged for hospice care to come into the home. Aggressive treatment now turns to making Mom comfortable in her final days.

All throughout my mom's battle with cancer, I have tried to remain optimistic and believe for healing. However, after finding out a couple weeks ago that the cancer foraged into her brain....well, I guess I woke up to the frightening realization that she very well could be dying. The first time I said that out loud led to a stream of bitter tears. Even now as I write, I find it hard to put words to my feelings. I want to write because it helps with processing, but either I am a poor writer or the English language has a huge void in accurately expressing the heart! I mean, how can I encompass the world of emotions that I feel right now!? It's a cycling of emotions right now....sadness, anger, peace, shock....each day includes some or all of those.

I guess I'm writing this post out of a current state of sadness. Later I will write about the peace I have. Gabe and I have felt much peace lately in reading a book that my mom got us for Christmas...it's about heaven.

Coming through, loud and clear

Sometimes I feel like my kids don't listen to a word I say. I repeat the same things over and OVER...but are they actually listening!? However, sometimes I get an answer to that question. Or at least in part. Maybe not everything I say is getting through to them , but some things definitely are. I don't have to question where Mia gets some of the things she says (I know where Maggie gets everything she says-- right from her sister!). Lately Mia has been saying something to the likes of: "This is making me crazy!!!" (You'll just have to imagine that being said with A LOT of drama.) Uh-oh...good job mommy. Yup, guilty as charged...I say that exact phrase. Another thing she tells me is "Just calm down, Mommy." I tell her this all the time as she is quite the drama queen, but when she says that to me...ugh, it's really annoying and patronizing. Hmmm...maybe that's how she feels when I say it to her...

Highs and lows

I've been pondering on how to cover the past 8 or whatever months that are missing from my blog. I was going to dedicate several posts to summarizing that period of time, but frankly, I just don't think I have the energy for it right now. Maybe later I will?

Here is the very raw summary:
Mia turned 3 in April. The summer started out nice. Found out my mom has kidney cancer in June...Mom & Dad return from South Africa stat and Mom gets her kidney removed. Had a lovely visit in PA with hubby's family. Visit AZ in August to see Mom and Dad...good to see the family...Mom is recovering nicely from surgery but will need to start chemo ASAP because the cancer is aggressive and has spread to her lungs. September, find out I am expecting baby #3...tired and queasy turns to feeling fine...have a miscarriage. Thought I was 10 weeks but turns out baby stopped growing at 6. A few days after D&C surgery, November 8th, Maggie turns 2. I am a hormonal/emotional wreck for a few weeks. In-laws visit for Thanksgiving. We are broke and have been for a while...so much for the so-called raise he was supposed to get by moving here! December...find out Mom has been going downhill since Thanksgiving...the most recent drug isn't working...the cancer is in her bones and brain now too. Have a low-key Christmas and New Years. Our church announces it's closing it's doors in a couple months...ran out of money. Feeling melancholy a lot...thinking of and praying for Mom. Feel a sense of urgency to see Mom...trip planned for January.

So there you have it. 2009 in a nutshell. Gabe and I have decided that 2009 wasn't such a hot year for us. We definitely had our share of bad news. Oh well, it is what it is. I try to tell myself that I can't truly appreciate the highs in life without experiencing the lows. And this is true I suppose, but when you're at the bottom that little quip isn't that comforting. However, what IS comforting to me lately is the fact that Jesus actually cares when we are hurting. Throughout my mom's battle with cancer, she has been keeping an online journal of her thoughts and experiences. One theme that pervades is that of "exchanging of my weakness for His strength". It really is amazing that, in our weakest, direst, most desperate conditions we can find God's strength peace the most.

I'm back...again!

Well, I'm back. I'd been considering a comeback to blogging for a while-- I'm not quite sure what made me decide to commit to it, but regardless here I am. I've been gone a while, and it's been quite a year. Unfortunately I can't say it's all been sunshine and rainbows this year. But, I'll leave that topic for a later post I suppose.

I'd like to make this post about my thoughts on New Years. Last night my husband and I turned on the countdown to midnight they do on TV at NYC Times Square. Every year it's the same 'ol drill: tons and tons of people packed together, smiling, waving, drinking, kissing, countdown to the ball dropping, everyone acting like this coming year is going to be amazing....blah, blah, blah. For the most part I'm thinking-- what's the big deal? It's just another day with a different number attached to it? So what? But I got to thinking about it some more, and I think the dawn of a new year definitely does deserve special attention.

I think New Year's Day is an important demarcation in our lives. Every year we are urged to ponder the past year-- what was good? what was bad? what would we like to change? These are important considerations in our lives. How does make any progress without evaluating the past and looking to the future? Perhaps I'm a bit simplistic in the fact that I need to be told to do this...I don't know. I'm still processing 2009. Thoughts to come on that and 2010 perhaps....

P.S. New year, new look. Courtesy of http://simplychicblogs.blogspot.com/

Only a Man

For the past few days I've been playing Jonny Lang's "Only a Man" over and over...I can't help but cry or at least get teary eyed every time I hear it. It's an absolutely beautiful song, but it's not the melody or vocals that get me emotional-- although they are definitely beautiful in their own right. It's the lyrics. They're autobiographical of Jonny's experience with God. I love how the lyrics are so raw, vulnerable and intense. You'd do yourself a favor to sit down and listen-- really listen-- to this song. Here's a link to listen if it suits your fancy: http://www.last.fm/music/Jonny+Lang/_/Only+a+Man